Yes I’ve gone pink!
But here’s the truth behind the bright and quirky exterior. I’ve not been myself these past couple of weeks. I’ve regressed into my former self from 11 months back when I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t bring myself to smile or attempt to fake being happy.
Being pink is my way to break out of this spell…
Why did I regress back? Well whilst taking my lunchtime break at Hoobynoo, I decided to walk around the industrial park like I do sometimes to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. As I was coming back to the office I walked by a security car. The car’s boot was wedged open, I didn’t think anything of this until I had past the front of the vehicle when suddenly a large Alsatian was barking wildly, trying to squeeze his head through the gap. (Even as I recall this, my heart is beating a little too fast, my stomach hurts, and my breath is coming a bit too quickly for my liking. Yet I have to remind myself that I am safe, home and fine.) At the time however, I had a major panic attack, I felt as if as the world was crashing around me, I was back in that living room and the dog was lunging at me. I somehow managed to walk the short distance back into the staff carpark where I found a friend and hugged him for dear life. I couldn’t speak, could barely breath, I just felt like I was suffocating.
Since, I’ve regressed into my former self, back to scared Sinead immediately after the dog attack. My sleep – or lack of – has dropped to a couple of hours a night. I get anxious and have become somewhat clingy around people, I’ve found when I am on my own I start to not feel safe and left to my own thoughts I start to worry. This is what I have disliked the most, I’ve never been an anxious person, a stressful person yes, but not anxious. If I have things to do like work or a list of tasks or a particularly busy day to fill up my time, then I am fine and am practically my normal self again – such as on Friday when I spent the day in London with friends seeing the Wes Anderson Animation Exhibition. It’s just when I have this ‘free time’ that I’m not me anymore.
Working at Hoobynoo has been good for me, they’ve been extremely understanding with my situation, I am so grateful to both David and Chiara. They really helped to ground me after that moment in the carpark. I find it very difficult to explain to people what I am feeling without caving in, my throat drying and my eyes watering. I’ve only opened up about it to a few very close friends, the rest I write down and don’t look back over – I suppose that’s why I’m doing so well with this blog post. It doesn’t feel real, I’m not explaining myself to a person just my laptop. If you’ve made it this far congrats. You now know a fraction of whats going on inside my head…
Personally I thought I was over it, I hadn’t written anything down in over 4 months. I can be around dogs, smaller ones are easier admittedly, I can cope with barking if I can identify where it’s origin is coming from. I still plan to get a French with Joseph when we live together… I thought I was fine. Clearly I’m not…
Sooooo yeah, long story told sort of short, that’s why I became pink.
I wanted to look in a mirror and not see the old me reflected back pale and worried, which is all I saw after my last panic attack. Since Sunday when I have looked in the mirror, I smile cause I’m a ludicrous pink colour, I can’t help it! I laugh and it makes me look a bit less pasty, It’s just so Fucking Pink! So if dying my hair bizarre and rainbow colours is one step to my recovery then great. A rainbow I shall be.
I know not a lot of people read my blog, but this post wasn’t for you. It was for me, as a way to unlock some of the fear I’ve been bottling in for too long; to admit that I am not coping, and that’s okay. If I seem lost or shadowed please talk to me, talk about the most mundane things just to pull me out of the tunnel. I may not look it, but I’ll be grateful for the distraction.