Yes I’ve gone pink!

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But here’s the truth behind the bright and quirky exterior. I’ve not been myself these past couple of weeks. I’ve regressed into my former self from 11 months back when I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t bring myself to smile or attempt to fake being happy.
Being pink is my way to break out of this spell…

Why did I regress back? Well whilst taking my lunchtime break at Hoobynoo, I decided to walk around the industrial park like I do sometimes to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. As I was coming back to the office I walked by a security car. The car’s boot was wedged open, I didn’t think anything of this until I had past the front of the vehicle when suddenly a large Alsatian was barking wildly, trying to squeeze his head through the gap. (Even as I recall this, my heart is beating a little too fast, my stomach hurts, and my breath is coming a bit too quickly for my liking. Yet I have to remind myself that I am safe, home and fine.) At the time however, I had a major panic attack, I felt as if as the world was crashing around me, I was back in that living room and the dog was lunging at me.  I somehow managed to walk the short distance back into the staff carpark where I found a friend and hugged him for dear life. I couldn’t speak, could barely breath, I just felt like I was suffocating.

Since, I’ve regressed into my former self, back to scared Sinead immediately after the dog attack. My sleep – or lack of – has dropped to a couple of hours a night. I get anxious and have become somewhat clingy around people, I’ve found when I am on my own I start to not feel safe and left to my own thoughts I start to worry. This is what I have disliked the most, I’ve never been an anxious person, a stressful person yes, but not anxious. If I have things to do like work or a list of tasks or a particularly busy day to fill up my time, then I am fine and am practically my normal self again – such as on Friday when I spent the day in London with friends seeing the Wes Anderson Animation Exhibition. It’s just when I have this ‘free time’ that I’m not me anymore.

Working at Hoobynoo has been good for me, they’ve been extremely understanding with my situation, I am so grateful to both David and Chiara. They really helped to ground me after that moment in the carpark. I find it very difficult to explain to people what I am feeling without caving in, my throat drying and my eyes watering. I’ve only opened up about it to a few very close friends, the rest I write down and don’t look back over – I suppose that’s why I’m doing so well with this blog post. It doesn’t feel real, I’m not explaining myself to a person just my laptop. If you’ve made it this far congrats. You now know a fraction of whats going on inside my head…

Personally I thought I was over it, I hadn’t written anything down in over 4 months. I can be around dogs, smaller ones are easier admittedly, I can cope with barking if I can identify where it’s origin is coming from. I still plan to get a French with Joseph when we live together… I thought I was fine. Clearly I’m not…

Sooooo yeah, long story told sort of short, that’s why I became pink.
I wanted to look in a mirror and not see the old me reflected back pale and worried, which is all I saw after my last panic attack. Since Sunday when I have looked in the mirror, I smile cause I’m a ludicrous pink colour, I can’t help it! I laugh and it makes me look a bit less pasty,  It’s just so Fucking Pink! So if dying my hair bizarre and rainbow colours is one step to my recovery then great. A rainbow I shall be.

I know not a lot of people read my blog, but this post wasn’t for you. It was for me, as a way to unlock some of the fear I’ve been bottling in for too long; to admit that I am not coping, and that’s okay. If I seem lost or shadowed please talk to me, talk about the most mundane things just to pull me out of the tunnel. I may not look it, but I’ll be grateful for the distraction.

 

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